What I learned from "Machete"

You must be living in a cave (and probably lack Internet access as well) if you have not seen trailers for the movie “Machete”. No other low-brow action movie has sparked such an outcry from conservatives calling it “racist, anti-Texas, anti-immigration, anti-white etc”. I went to see it because as any red-blooded, heterosexual male I like violent action movies, especially if there is the promise of hot chicks. “Machete” delivers on all those counts.

Many movie critics and bloggers have gone into overdrive analyzing the movie’s political and social messages. I don’t think I can add anything to the conversation other than this admonishment; to those on both sides, stop throwing crap at each other. No one on either side of the border is trying to address the real issues behind the illegal immigration problem; there are NO jobs south of the border that compensates workers as well as jobs on this side of the border. On this side of the border, liberals have demanded increased minimum wage rates. Congratulations, you’ve price local citizens out of low paying jobs and encouraged employers to seek out illegal immigrants to fill those jobs. It doesn’t help that the majority of young workers have an “entitlement mentality” and provide some of the least dependable, surliest workers you can find.

Given all of that, “Machete” still is a lot of damn fun to watch. Here as just a few things you can learn from the movie;

1. Michelle Rodriguez is HOT!
2. Jessica Alba is not as hot as Michelle Rodriguez
3. Electra Avellen and Elise Avellen (the twin nurses who are also mechanics) are hotter than Michelle and Jessica
4. Latina nurses all wear white mini-skirts and matching platform shoes
5. One-eyed Latin chicks can shoot 10 gauge sawed-off shotguns without breaking their wrists
6. Sonny Crockett is dead and living along the border
7. Danny Trejo may have even more craters in has face than Edward James Olmos
8. You can fight off a band of assassins with a pump shotgun in each hand
9. Cheech Marin’s priest had to be a cross-dresser else why did he have a nun’s outfit hanging in his chambers?
10. When in doubt, choose a machete over a firearm
11. “Federales” are just misunderstood benefactors. Sort of blood thirsty Robin Hoods with a penchant for beheadings and dismemberments.
12. A dirty day laborer with a scoped M-16 on a rooftop doesn’t attract the attention of the US Secret Service or Texas Rangers (not the baseball team).
13. A cheap, rusty machete can shatter a folded steel katana.
14. Steven Seagal is still the best martial artist in cinema when it comes to Japanese swords.
15. Even Steven Seagal can be defeated by a dirty ex-federale turned day laborer wielding a cheap, rusty machete
16. The only thing hotter than a Michelle Rodriguez running a taco truck is a pissed-ff Michelle Rodriguez after she gets one eye shot out and goes after the bad guys. (Her wardrobe improved immensely as result).
17. Jessica Alba can kill a luchador using only a red leather pump with a brass stiletto heel.
18. Michelle Rodriguez is hot.
19. Jessica Alba can’t speak Spanish but is hot in high heels and skin tight jeans
20. Alicia Marek (the mom) is hotter than Lindsay Lohan, with or without clothes.
21. Mexican drug lords look suspiciously like a middle-aged Steven Seagal
22. Despite items #1, #2 and #3, Mexican drug lords prefer hot Asian chicks parading around in animal print bikinis and high heels.
23. Cheryl Chin, the aforementioned hot Asian chick, is SMOKIN’!

Itak

The above photo is of the Cold Steel bolo machete. Being of Filipino descent, I also know this style of machete as "itak". The bolo, in various styles, is found throughout the Philippines and Indonesia. It is primarily a farm implement but its availability lead it to being adopted as a military weapon as well.

The Filipino versions I'm familiar with are longer and thinner than the one from Cold Steel. Machetes fill the void between knife and axe when you need the chopping power of an axe but also the speed and nimbleness of a knife. Of the various machete styles, I like the bolo because of the center of balance being towards the front of the blade. The forward balance adds power to the blow with minimal effort of the user. It is another reason why the bolo makes an effective weapon.

The Cold Steel version is inexpensive (I'd say cheap but that may give the wrong connotation) and very durable. I use it to keep the weeds at bay in our back yard. Chopping tall weeds should be direguer for any machete and the bolo dispatches them with wanton abandon. The bolo's weight distribution also makes it a formidable dispatcher of thick bushes and saplings as well. I was quite surprised how easily it chopped through thick limbs of trees and bushes.

The secret of using a bolo is to let the blade do most of the work. Instead of swinging with your arm, swing using your wrist and let the blade's momentum finish the work. You won't tire as quickly and with the proper wrist flexibility, you will be able to dispatch large thickets of weeds (or invaders to your homestead) with terrific efficiency.